you call this love? FINALE.

Dedicated to the most amazing readers.-

That's it. i can't bear it! i'm going to their house.
I quickly took my abaya and got in the car, the drive took like 15 minutes? but it was like two hours to me. i was worried, scratch that, i was frightened.
i knocked on their door but no one seemed to answer it, i kept knocking and knocking until reema finally opened the door, she was happy and smiling but once she saw me, her whole face expressions changed. what?
i hugged her: uff finally! weenik 3an jwalk enti? dget 100 mara yemkin! 5awfteni 3likum-
She interrupted me; i know.
i stared at her: then explain yazg! eish fekum? abdulrahman rja3? omg mswy surprise li 9a7?*smiling widely*
She sighed while looking around: haya i'm so busy right now so it would be better if we meet up later or something..
me: um busy? are you avoiding me?
Reema: it's not like that, but listen-
"haya? it's haya right? hallaaa o sahla taw ma nawar elbet yagalbi!" her mom said as she walked past reema to greet me, she's so sweet.
Me: halla feik 5alti*kissing her cheek* mnawr bahla walla!
i completely forgot about reema.
Abdulrahman's mom; eewa o kaifk o kaif omik? salmeli 3leha wa7shtni!
i smiled: kwaisa walla 7amdella! yu9al inshala
Abdulrahman's mother: weeh haya jeti bwagtk trak, nseina nbashrk!
i looked at her, confused; tbshruni beish?
Reema walked closer to her mother; mama, shrayk nd5l-
Abdulrahman's mother, haw reema ma 3almtik? bnfra7 ba7ad greeb*winking*
i grinned: oh reema en56bt? yagalbi o matbi t3almni!
abdulrahman's mother: laaaa abdulrahman eli 56ab!

Abdulrahman.
Abdulrahman.
Abdulrahman.

i stared at her: m-men 56ab?
Abdumrahman's mother: haw da7omi b3ad galby! 56ab lah bnt elx basma, barkela 3ad t3rfen mbsu6 o-
she kept on talking and talking but it's like she was saying nothing, nothing came to my ears. all what kept repeating is "abdulrahman 56ab, bnt alx, basma ya 7lwha"
I dragged my eyes to meet reema's, how could she? how could he? HOW COULD THEY!
Tears started filling my eyes, NO, i'm stronger than this, i wont let it ruin me.
Me*faking a smile* mashallah mabrouk! weenah abdulrahman abark lah?
i could feel reema's shock as she kept staring at me.
Their mother called abdulrahman as i tried the best i could not to cry right now, it's definitely not the right time, but ouch. it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
Abdulrahman: halla yuma mein b3ad bybark*laughing*
i couldn't even speak when i saw how happy he was, i'm out of words, in a very bad way.
i stepped closer and faked smiling; ana! mashallah mabrouk! mnk elmal o mnha.....
i couldn't complete it, i can't even imagine MY da7omi marrying another women AND having children from her, this is too much for me to handle.
I could feel his burning gaze: a-allah yba-ark *taking a deep breath* feek.
We stayed like forever just staring at each others, i just wanted to ask him why? what have i done to deserve this? what about our promises?
i guess my eyes spoke to him because i saw the guilty look in his eyes, the apologizing look, the forgive-me-please.
On my dead body!
His mother voice broke our gaze off, she said: tfa9'li 7abebti enti 9ayra mn elahl 3ad lazm t7tflen m3ana.
i finally returned to her, i was shaking, he did this to me. and more.
Me: la 5alti shukran*looking at reema* matg9ren.
Yeah, m a t g 9 r e n.
Um wajhen.
I hugged their mother again and said that i needed to leave, she understood and let me go, it's so weird how sweet she is considering to her fake two faced kids.
as i was walking out, tears started falling like a waterfall, i. can't. keep. this. anymore.
i'm broken, and hurt. i can't even explain to you guys how i felt. it was like i couldn't breath, it's like there's a hole in my heart, katma. o3'abna.
Out of blue, i saw abdulrahman standing infront of me breathing heavily: haya, wait! i can explain.

i quickly wiped my tears but that didn't stop them from falling again and smiled a sarcastic smile: explain what? let me think, first, you travel, and i was like oh it's okay! second, you don't call, third; we drift away, fourth, you say you love me, fifth, you say you want to marry me, sixth; you said you CAN wait. seventh; you suddenly disappear and make me go crazy, and finally eighth; here you are here, in riyadh, engaged!*clapping* and you want to explain? that doesn't need any explaining though, just leave.. please.
abdulrahman: No*stepping closer to me before i walk away again* it isn't that easy you know? i had to marry one! my dad forced me do this. believe me.
i teared; this is your reason? such a jerk. you know they say once a player always a player, right? now let me go. bsr3a.
Abdulrahman: but-
Me: do you know what? i..... *smiling* i actually loved you. but it's my fault anyways. goodbye abdulrahman. forever.
-
They always say hearbreaks come one after another in life, you get used to it and over it, and complete your life easily. Not.
That didn't happen to me. After six months since that day, i'm still broken, i still cry myself to sleep every night. i still get those 4am breakdowns because of him, evernight.
But no, that doesn't mean that i need him, that diesn't mean that i'm not happy; I'M HAPPY! i made the biggest effort to leave him and i'm thankfull of doing that!  i'm an independent women right now. i don't need anyone; i'm traveling abroad after two months. There's no more naive haya; weak and kind haya, i changed. i'm much stronger now. and i thank abdulrahman for that.

So tell me people, you call this love?

i, myself don't.
i call it falling into a hole and never going back.
i call it the never ending overthinking that makes me want to cruel into my bed and live forever, there.
I call it having a breakdowns every once and a while and being so used to it.
i call it losing myself. Because i lost myself long time ago, and i can't bring it back.

-
so that's the end, i hope you wont hate me for this haha!
but you never know, there "may" be an epilogue for this, soon. ;)